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So last night I once again told him I didn't believe he had been honest with me. He finally confessed that it was actually a physical affair. He didn't use a condom and had sex with me afterwards. I can't believe he would put me in danger like that. He said he had resigned himself to never telling me the truth and never being forgiven. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me further. I said no, you were just covering your own ass. I said he has been actively lying to me these entire 4 years. I haven't even cried. Maybe I don't have any more tears for him. I don't even know what to do anymore.

((((breachoftrust))))

You have been heard.

It's been said hundreds of times on SI - it's not so much the A itself that is so damaging, but the lies/gaslighting/trickle truthing.

Four years later, he has set the clock back to zero.

You are right; he was not protecting you at all - the lies were all about protecting himself.

We're here for you - no matter which path you take. Give yourself time to deal with this new D day.

Sending strength & hugs...

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 3:27 PM, Thursday, March 31st]

Maybe you haven't cried because there is relief in finally having conformation on what you've always felt was true.

After 14 months of lying and denying when she finally admitted it I was angry because I always felt it was true, it did feel like a burden was lifted.

Maybe you are experiencing some of that.

I'm furious on your behalf.

To reveal something new, years later, is yet again stealing time from you, removing your agency.

You know more...but how will you know if there is yet even more to be told. Hopefully your WH gets this through his thick skull and divulges anything that remains hidden, and then has the humility to let you find your own place of safety without trying to control the outcome.

For my part, new info revealed 13 years later, mild as it may have been, sent me over the edge to looking at divorce with true seriousness for the first time. NOW she gets it, but my jaded self adds "until the next time she reveals something".

Sending positive thoughts your way.

I'm sorry. It sucks that he's done this to you. But it's so typical.

Did he spend any significant time doing work on himself? Are you comfortable that he's gotten to the bottom of why he thinks it's okay to be this way? Because if not he's a risk to do it again.

Usually, I'm pretty good at empathy and it's not hard for me to understand why a WS is afraid, but today... not so much. You had so much evidence of wrongdoing on his part, and yet this guy continued to lie. This is gaslighting at it's most definitive, because he knew you were RIGHT but continued to deny for FOUR YEARS. That's outrageous.

So he took a huge risk with your health,by not telling you the truth,for FOUR years.

You don't have to reconcile. Divorce is a very reasonable option.

Oh Wow. I'm so very sorry.

Your mind is still processing this. It is dastardly on many levels. Your mind will take it time and if the tears flow, let them. If not, so be it.

Take all the time you need to make any decision. Take care of YOU. Big hugs.

I am doing better this time I guess. I still haven't cried. I keep asking questions and he is at least answering them. I finally don't feel like I'm going insane. I have told him I don't know if I will stay. I am just trying to work out what I want for the remainder of my life. It's a weird calm that has settled over me. I will gladly take it over the insanity.

Breachoftrust:
I am so so angry for you
He wasn’t protecting you
He was protecting himself
I hope you find strength, clarity, and hope for your future

He now says that I misheard him and he DID use a condom. Whatever. He also admitted to cyber sex. He's answering questions but as I mentioned in another post he's saying things like...I knew tonight was going to be a talk night. He also said I was making jobs at him when explaining how I feel. This doesn't help me at all. He wants me to see how much his affair has hurt HIM. I have set up IC for myself next week. It's time to worry about me and what I want for the rest of my life.

I have set up IC for myself next week. It's time to worry about me and what I want for the rest of my life.

This is perfect. It's the EXACT thing that can help you most. My fWS managed to flake at the very worst time of my life, right when I was going through menopause and worrying over my soon to be empty nest. I didn't have the slightest clue who the hell I was anymore. So much of my recovery work has been repairing that issue. Well done.

((hugs))

He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me further.

So when you first found out, did you ask if it was physical? If he used a condom? And when he lied to you, did you feel relieved? I am betting that you did. I’d bet we all did when first lied to. It’s over time that we start digging into those lies.

Here’s the deal. He told you want you wanted to hear at that time. Lying was his winning play, at least in his lizard brain. He played what he thought was the winning hand, he minimized and swept stuff under the rug.

The trick is to make honesty the winning play. Ideally you could depend on character, but obviously you can’t, or you wouldn’t be in the situation you are in. So what can you do?

And of course he’s given you a Get On With Your Life card that you can play right now too.

Oh I asked and asked and asked again. I continously told him I did not believe him and wanted the truth. He looked me in the eye and denied denied denied. Why after 4 years? What changed? Did he think he was finally safe from my leaving? I have news for him, my foot has been hanging out the door for awhile now. As I said before I had set the date for honesty. He squeaked by. It still doesn't mean that I will stay. Now I have to consider his willingness to lie to my face for 4 years WHILE watching me fall apart.

BoT, I am so sorry. Please be kind to yourself as you decide what you want to do. It is amazing to me that WS don’t understand that the ongoing lies are what really kill any chance of R.

Why after 4 years? What changed? Did he think he was finally safe from my leaving?

Most likely. Add to the fact that with your continued questioning, he may have come to the realization that this would never just go away.

It's an outright shame that they just can't get it through their heads that honesty is the best policy. They never realize that silence on their part can be so damaging. Especially when they are taking away one's agency.

I can't stop picturing myself thinking I am happy in the future and him coming clean with more years from now. He swears that he has now told me everything but he's said that before. I don't think it will be worth it to be continuously broken over and over again as he becomes more comfortable in his own skin. Glad therapy is helping him but my God, what about me? When is my turn? When do we worry about what has happened to me, my faith, my world view. I look at everyone and think, what's YOUR agenda and how is it going to hurt me?

Feels like a written timeline would be a good idea. Where everything comes out. Because he’s still not managing to be fully truthful. It may be he’s struggling facing the truth, it may be he can’t remember very well. Either way, a timeline is a good base for him to commit to and build upon and for you to have in black and white.

Now I have to consider his willingness to lie to my face for 4 years WHILE watching me fall apart.

This is basically what ended my M. It's the part I get hung up on the most is how someone who claims to love and honor you can actively watch you fall apart and continue to be wayward. I know now why my xWS is the person he is but it took me too many years to get it. Take your time but absolutely this life should be about YOU now.

I can't imagine this. I feel like I am always waiting for this moment myself. I find it hard to believe that it was never physical when they had the opportunity. But like others have said, maybe there is some relief finally knowing the truth. I cant believe he would wait so long and do that to you. Im so sorry he has started that clock over. its not fair to you.